Aha I did it

You don’t want to talk to me?

Don’t want to pay me back.

You rather hide and leave the city and go to games out of state then pay me back.

Ok I moved on too.

I haven’t checked your Facebook page to see what you up to.

A matter of fact it’s almost past 30days since termination, that’s right not cancel but utter elimination.

I won’t even waste my minutes to call using different numbers on my free app.

Nor will I go to bus booths leaving your number and a “call me I’m horny but handsome” pencil to pass byers.

I wish you well and move on.

And guess what!

Brought a dog and named him Kevin not because I miss you but so I can tell him, stop eating his crap.

And you know I don’t like dogs but I figured since I can’t have you to love, I will just buy a dog to watch the house.

This won’t replace what we could have had but the idea of me telling Kevin “Good boy.” When he behaves and a happy tail brings tears of joy to my face.

My treat to you, little male trick.

What a nag

Last night I dreamt a dream I knew was just a dream, you were there and spoke to me, like we were never close before.

I let play out, because in this world I wake up, you are such a jerk!

Even in my dreams you too much a pain.

But my dear ol pain aren’t we all, my friend?

You knew not how dear you are.

Still in this dream, you sly devil you, how I hang on every word. Were my teacher then, as much as you were when. I knew if I woke up you certainly won’t be there.

I never wish for your fall, always rise above the clouds even if you never call.

Block me from your life, lock me from every news, I still wish you all the best.

Put your hand on your hip, where you worked your friends like me better. Boy I’m just the new kid on the block, the spot light will return upon your crown.

I just enjoyed your reaction to me and everything you did.

At 8:06 my alarm flutter my eyes. I hug my pillow to return for a moment just to spend time with the fragment of you that evidently lingers in my soul.

Now you smile at me and walk away, but seeing your back I open my eyes how long would it have lasted, anyway?

Boyish stand

I don’t like it one bit.

We just met and you want to control me

Making fun of me, but I know you don’t like you

Putting up airs how you cool with your looks while mocking the way God made me, huh?

Now trying to manipulate me to, oblige your orders as a male while disregarding my mind, my space, and oh yeah my place as a woman.

Man you do not rule me.

Boy you cannot break me.

I know who I am and I recognize your brokenness see that net you cast thought you had me.

But I came aboard willingly and I leave as swiftly as I came with the wind.

So be careful how you speak to me.

As I am not carefree how I speak to you through I at liberty to speak my mind, I hold my tongue as I may come off rough as my words cut like sharp shardes of glass.

I come off timid but I roll like the tides, very inviting but I come off strong.

You think you can handle me but I’m far too strong, make you run away with the tail between your legs, so I leave you when the best days seem ahead but without you knowing I have been all day fed.

Burned out

I don’t get it.

What do you want from me?

Ah you cute, you say but I never got my way, and coming from you means absolutely nothing to me.

What can I say, prudent? Prudent? Prudent…. How can I imagine the future for when I did every fiber of it, my schooling, my experience, my plans, all of it went to smoke.

Plan what? I can’t see the future and my neighbors are animals pooping on my lawn, calling police for me protecting my family from a strange dog with a BB gun and stealing my property. Plans? I’m just praying for this to be over soon.

All of it.

Laying up my things, when money, people steal it. I tried it, banks even take it, if you don’t make or keep enough. These foolish, ignorant, moron no moral neighbors poop on it and police just say get a camera like it grows on trees. I’m tired of this. Replacing my own things that ain’t right when I didn’t mess up, destroy, pee or poop on my own things.

Police had the gulls to ask me what I do? Like I couldn’t imagine doing something as equivalently devious to have such an action done to me. Like how can one explain that? I keep to myself I mind my own affairs, I am just that person. How can the victim be the villain? How vigilant must I be to someone so daring and repulsive. I mean feces so foul smelt like a bad kidney. I worked at a hospital and crap ain’t supposed to smell like that.

I’m not a people’s person. And trying to be an entrepreneur without money is just how to say this? Beyond my reach.

What do I want to do? I want to move! To a place no one is at. No human sign the size of 2 football fields and just enough trees that it’s not bare. Can’t die everyone goes to the grave.

A guy asked me if it was cool for him to scrap and when I said that’s what you do, I don’t care he said I know that’s what I do I was wondering if you mind. Like dude; block, bye idk what to tell you. I’m not in the business of telling people what to do with their life. Longs your straight, and know we not going to be more so no touching, we good.

That’s all I know. What’s in front of me now. I have no imagination for the future.

I can dream of my dream car CRV Honda, snow pearl white, dream home 9ft high surrounding the entire property fence, pool table, alarm system, lawn, bedrooms, stainless steel appliances mint green, walk-in food pantry, walk-in closets 3story flat top roof, with 2car garage, a club house a literal tree house, blue riding lawnmower, two 30ft teddy bears, custom beds, 4bd 3baths, built in grill on roof,indoor pool and dance room, granite countertops, island with fruit bar built in, glass cabinet doors high ceiling, marble flooring, waterproof stain resistant heated floors whirlpool tub and shower with mesh glass, his and her counter bowl facility, deep 2side kitchen sink with a spring head faucet, all electric appliances, fishtank stairwell, high, heavy metal doors and cameras as far as I can see, 2 rocking chairs, 2 porch swings, 3 egg swings, and a tire swing under a magnolia tree among other amenities but hell I don’t know how to get those things. I know I hate dealing with people.

I don’t care about your order, nor your change, your clothes, your car, your refill, your day, who you work for, what you do less it can keep ME from uniforms, faces, buildings and calls.

If I have to pick up one more order, wipe one more table, carry or get hit by a box of, push another 300 pound person, smell another_$@$# I’m going to scream!

They don’t pay enough for my time and efforts and I go nowhere fast on $1tips and people are stupid. You get mugged for finger nails or kidney and the cops do nothing and I’m to dream?

I’m dreaming a millionaire passes and somehow leaves me 1million doesn’t have to be more than that. And the lawyer is kind enough to leave my name out the presence of the family hearing the will.

Yelp no work, no education, no energy, or time wasted. Bam and no taxes. Hoorah!

No soul would hear from me a peeping word.

Knit in my rocker with a shotgun in the corner and a glass of lemonade humming old hymns is what I do.

Wrong Address

The devil is in the detail.

I tell you the truth he isn’t as invisible as people love you to believe.

He is as transparent as the day.

Minding his name and being in the fibers of people around you.

The scary part is, you seen him and just didn’t fight him, address him, ignored him and most likely feeding him.

Mark 5 speaks of a man who was demon possessed that could not be bind, his strength was without match. His neighbors just didn’t know the name of the demon.

When someone calls your phone and asked for another name, do you go ” Oh yeah Paul, I’m going to go find him. Silent your phone return in a moment later and say ” Ah this isn’t Paul’s phone but may I leave a message?”

You would no more waste your time less you a prankster and lonely then just hangup and if you like me, block the number. (Extreme I know but I had idiots call the same number after the first failed attempt like bro!)

Jesus commanded the impure spirit to come out. You would think alright Jesus, but it followed by this question ” What is your name?”

And get this they responded ” Legion for we are many.”

Like your doctor says ok you have to get a full exam, right?

After your exam your doctor goes ok, need iron, be careful of your sugar intake, and oh yeah no red meat for awhile. Like your just borderline across the board.

In one case someone else is diabetic, iron deficiency, anemic and hypercholesterolemia.

The restrictions in your life pale in comparison.

But it has a name.

You have a name.

Jesus is a name. The name name of the son that says if you think your enemy is invisible your tripping.

Demons even have smells.

I know you want to log off. This chick crazy. Demons, smells, names, addressing. I ain’t addressing no demon. Why not? He’s got your number.

Everytime your pissed off, or worried even doctors say look laugh, work out, stay calm.

Stress literally kills and Satan roams as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, and guess what, your prey my friend. So you better prey for covering over your life.

From afar the man saw Jesus from the tomb. Jesus left the boat and he ran to Jesus and then shouted, so you know he wasn’t close but he must had been upset because he asked Jesus what he want from him. Like what could Jesus want with demons? And they pleaded to be sent to the swine nearby now, Mark says they begged to stay in the area, Matthew not very detailed, said oh they just wanted to be in swine and oh it was two men possessed. You don’t even get the name of the demons.

Like a doctor prescribing you medicine not telling you what they for but you oblige and get better, right?

In Mark and Matthew we understand Jesus was requested to leave by the people because they witness 2things, their pigs leaping off the edge to drown themselves and a man clothed for the first time, and who knows how long, in his right mind. They tell the son of God to leave.

Satan loves the smell of fear. And let’s be honest the swine died nearby which meant when this country in Gadarenes sent Jesus away they were ripe for the picking. Through they did such Jesus left his anointing the man that was healed was able to give testimony. So he wasn’t born that way. Jesus said to him return to your house.

I returned to reading Luke 8:22 and I read this and it answers Now it came to pass on a certain day that he went into a ship with his disciples and he said unto them let us go over and to the other side of the lake and they latch forth. Jesus came to save him.

Now you must be saying ok (if you made it this far reading) I’m not Jesus. And I used to say that, I mean duh 🙄. But we are left with a comforter. Holy spirit and Jesus has come to meet you where you at and redeem you. But you gotta to call it what it is.

Everyday I self evaluate, self evaluate, because this flesh is always against the spirit but if I don’t sit down and call it, it would rule me. Yesterday I was so like omgs I could have saved me an additional 15% my dresses because I am trying to learn how to save and I’m no means a big spender but I am a former unwise spender.

I used to say to myself ok today you’re going to do better, because we know better, yeah! I used to get in so much trouble with this. I would hate that I didn’t do as good, or how I should have went here and done that. But that’s idolatry.

I have been so hard on me, that I forget even in the process of understanding others, forgiving others that I too should forgive me.

And to praise God for the mini triumphs, better is He that is in me then he that is of this world.

So what I missed the additional 15%, I also left my phone and sis car too. So looking up that would have been in vain, but I gain 2 pretty dresses. Hay count your victories. If someone’s going to get mine blessings it’s this girl!

I had to learn to say ok today you’re doing better, because it’s just one step in the right direction, Just take the one and God will deal with the rest. The enemy has a name and you have a battle to prepare for.

Gird up your loins, put on the breast plate of righteousness, pull back the covers of the enemy and let him know we see you.

My sister has this thorn that would usually irritate me, if I didn’t agree with her she would toss out the subject even through she wasn’t speaking at the given moment she wouldn’t even be the starter of the conversation but she would go ” Ok end of that.” Like my mother and I just getting the ball rolling and she’s the baby girl not even like ok middle child but growing up she ate and preferred the little kids table which the elder kids didn’t mind cause she was such a tattle tale/liar it was crazy.

I might have been a liar but I was no snitch, nor even converse with parents really so I digress. She fells she’s entitled. Like I pay the bills, I be like $&@73 you live there duh. This is where I wish younger siblings did respect elder siblings. Period. Ok. But again I digress I realized she feels empowered by demanding what she does not get, what money can’t buy.

Billionaires have problem with this. How can I pay a person with morals to agree and inform to my opinions?

She literally throw away money at kids like ok I brought one a toy and brought another one so they wouldn’t feel left out, like that wasn’t how we were raised but idolatry is throwing physical fix at a spiritual problem and worshiping this outcome despite prove bad even deathly.

I mean a healthy conversation is shutting down others opinion opposite yours. Trust and believe they find wisdom from mouths across the sea that knowledge is across the street.

Then instead of asking me if buying my kid a toy is ok she buys it and says well my intention was for our nephew whom she was watching but she didn’t want to neglect my kid. Which I’m ok, but not ok. See later my nephew just cried, and whined the rest of the time. Like so you brought him a toy but he’s done nothing to deserve it. She does this frequently. In adult conference she acts as through she’s head CEO, and I think, once she will wake up and find out her opinion of herself will have to alter. Because she wraps herself with such a high regard unfortunately a fall is coming.

This behavior is clearly from Satan I mean how else can you explain this method, throwing money at a child you allow to do anything but then you desire to spank him for being more that you allowed because oh buying him gifts and letting him run around is one thing but him diving under clothes and whining is another?

She was hoping I keep him as we roam around from store to store which she didn’t inform me we were going( don’t you just love people that say ah we going to Walmart but go to Sam’s. Or Aldi’s and they take you home.) but since she brought him a toy and I had my own kid I left her 🤣, yes I did, not with my child I took my child and we looked around. Sometimes I remind her, she’s not my boss in the most peaceful and loving way that she can’t fight.

This enemy has a smell, yeah thought I forgot to add….I didn’t. There was a woman I seen and for whatever reason she was off. Yeah you can feel it too, less your immune which means your already got. She was so off to me. I felt the need to vomit she was so off. Now if your a parent or someone who is trained to security or something senses just ring right? We’re trained to if you feel something off most likely it is and to keep an open eye out. To not be so obvious you know.

From a loving home a girl is trained to close her legs. Seems like I’m off right, why would I say that? Well in a dress or skirt you can’t seat down like it’s pants or shorts. Ok. Parents glance ok you good. But in a dress or skirt a loving mother or dad goes omgs come here. And explain why you should be aware of how you seat in the dress. Well this woman was in pants and evidently if she wore a dress a man could outclass her. Ok. That’s how odd it was. Like your plumber guy came in and through you don’t see his crack and very grateful you wished he wore some other pants. Not women’s joggers just to paint a picture. It turns out my senses were on point through slow on the process of flirting she was indeed flirting I mean she asked for sugar and I was so lost I actually just didn’t trust her. And no one asks for sugar in 2018 and she had this smell of nauseating on her it was worst then working at the hospital. But she would leave gifts and me I’m thinking she trying to be on my good side, cause she’s old. I told my guy employees and they go oh you have an admiral. Boy that only sicken me more, shortly I didn’t care I lost the job, I cared more she lived by me and wanted to exit stage left like this great plague taking over people’s lives ok.

I believe God made woman for man and man for woman. If any man disagrees take it up to God.

Am I married, nope.

Am I practicing sex outside of marriage not since spring 2017.

Have I ever watched porn, well in movies yeah but flat out nope, even in movies I fast forward or turn.

I believe playing with self is just fornication in which acts I do not comply.

Solomon says the breast are the man’s delight, the husband’s and honestly I delight in 5cups smaller😁 searching for a tank and bra isn’t easy, plus you men don’t carry them my spine hurts if I sit too long.

Plus it just looks weird. I don’t get the appeal small head huge rack. It swells up the shoulders and your arms just what is the point? We all are different? I just want to make sense I digress oh it’s a sin to get distracted from the Lord. Idolatry.

What is love?

I can’t sleep, my neck hurt.

I can’t turn my head left or right.

But you, doing so damn well.

I’m not wishing anything bad on you? How could I? I’m looking up…

My am I such a doll. Need shots to boost. And there you are.

Oh Lord where is my strength to surpass him so that I may be missed by that stone heart fox that creeps my thoughts.

I get it. I thought I had it, but a stone cold fox is just some sly thing you can’t have.

Now I tried my way and going nowhere, and I’m standing in the need of prayer and what you doing up there? He’s ahead of me!

I’ve been shot!

What? Am I doing wrong?

Dudes skating, singing, going to ball parks, I got nothing.

I don’t get this love thing. When can I be the sly fox?

Men used your name to call on fire from heaven and part seas and I can’t move a star?

I have tried to lose 75 pounds if that could make his heart drop to his knees.

When can I be the unreachable, unobtainable one? When will my enemy sit at my table and head cannot be lifted?

I’m not supposed to look backwards…hum then when can I move forwards?

Someone helped that tinman from under that big woman name tiny pronounced tini.

Where is my help?

Pacing my bars that shrink daily and air that has its fingers around my neck, where are you?

What am I!

I’m terribly sorry, I must be deaf, are your words not leaving the throne?

I see…

I won’t be satisfied until the one that taught me, sees me as the greater version of himself and uncomfortably untouchable to him. As if he is looking ahead and how beneath me to look behind then.

What did you learn?

I worry about this generation. It’s like the pains I try to teach my kid to avoid they just excited with great anticipation to avoid my warning, my pleading, my scars.

Maybe I just get it.

I get some lessons, hake a lot of lessons others go through and I just be like, got it, won’t do that, let me take out this handy dandy spiritual notebook, nope avoid this exclamation mark # don’t do that.

I mean how I lived life so without and I give so that the void isn’t there, I mean effort, attention, time, and even sit down talks like whooped over the head.

But this isn’t new to God, I just thought I wouldn’t have to deal with it in my own house. The hard headed bull hearted soul. I mean I can totally be stubborn but the stupid things they do, watch me I’m stupid, no parent wants to say that, really.

But when you gone through hell and back and you not the sharpest tool and the shed and you think please just accepts the scars you see on me, cause you look like you sing for the full effect of damaged pieces here.

Little Timmy the well is deep, don’t look down for water, just send the bucket and behold the rope will stop and draw then you pull it up. It’s wide so it will never get caught and low and behold what does Timmy do? His ass is down the got damn well!

Samantha I need to run up 2blocks to the store, I have my keys, do not open the door for anyone. I don’t care they say their name is Jesus, do not open the door. Come back and the door wide open.

It’s my fault. Lo and behold I didn’t think I could have kids but now I’m pretty sure I can’t. I didn’t listen, my bad, the bible clear as day says watch out for this uptoward generation. My fault.

L in learn must mean lose cause it’s followed by earned so I either lose time or earn it that may apply lesson in life’s test.

A bitter Day

My eyes suddenly open and I can’t move.

Yesterday I was good. I could jump, I could leap, I could sway my hips.

But this morning I couldn’t part my lips

How heavy is your head?

How strong thy mighty neck?

But jeez Louis I can’t move my feet.

You wouldn’t know now many muscle it take to move your arms, your side, your feet, to brush your teeth, until your neck ache with every movement no matter how irrelevant you thought it was to the neck before you now sure you are bless if ever the feeling return.

I know.

I just signed up to become an insurance agent and suppose to start at 2 my training.

Yet, I can’t face the table and oh boy I can’t put both my arms on the table it aches.

Did you know that putting your phone to your ear and holding it with your own hand still involves the neck?

Well you darn tooting it does.

Why didn’t I call the ambulance? Well if I had ambulance money I wouldn’t have signed up to be an insurance agent just yesterday.

If that wasn’t enough I live in a rental, slept without a bra and couldn’t swallow my spit so I had dragon breathe, had a full gown on but it wouldn’t hide the fact my girls are loose and can’t move, and my face was a mess. So I couldn’t talk even if I called the ambulance. I didn’t want to look like some mangle pass her 20’s no bra wearing, can’t move your neck, dying over your spit, dragon breathe single mom. Pretty sure that says enough.

I just signed up for insurance.

Like how do you explain that? Whoop she has insurance, time to die.

My pace massager made the situation 1- 10 I was ok one moment worst when I move

Of course I heard a voice say be still but during this pandemic and jobless, on top of everything made me feel like my body was trying to trap me. Ok like where else was I doing to go, right? Comatose people can hear, and can’t say a damn thing or scratch and that made me leap out the bed after 40 minuets of this uncomfortable situation.

I regretted ever moving but I was drowning. Couldn’t swallow, (honestly I never swallow morning saliva anyway. So gross. 🤢)

It turns out there must be a brain in this head because boy it hurts just slightly tilting in any direction.

I made 3 calls. 1 to 2sisters and 1 baby brother and as I attempt to put on clothes which took me 9x my usual effort, geez the neck is so so fundamental. So if anyone says I rely on you like my neck for support boy you mean a lot to them, ok! A lot

No one picked up, as I ponder my next move I go, well hake just do what you need. All my life I had depended on me and this time no different. Cry as you need move forward and get there best you know how.

I look outside, Lord bless those trashmen, today they stood my can right side up and not just thrown on the ground as usual, bless their homes, and heart, and bank account. Aman.

That nightmare

I don’t know who I am.

Yeah so many people claim financial stability and friends that are going places but single, waiting and wanting.

Him:My friend she single. His friend: He single too, ladies. Me: You two can get together here and solve that boom.

I’m praying, I’m knitting, I am not seeking, or waiting, or praying he finds me cause I honestly got nothing to bring to the table.

I’m not even looking to bring something to the table, like ok.

I mean all the great women and men who had purpose were kind of just born in it. Solomon was wise and he was king David’s kid ok. So I don’t know.

Of course I won’t ever marry a guy with no ambition, no dream no plan.

Maybe I help with his ok.

Meaning he still working on his, got one and driving through this plan.

I am so tired of school, I won’t go back, no!

I planned for 12 yrs while in film and nothing. So that’s that.

I’m burned out.

I got nothing.

I mean plan wise, I got nothing. I ran and ran and worked and I got no fumes for smoke. I’m so serious

What’s my plans for the next 5 yrs, shrug I don’t know, ain’t the world going to be dead? Gone? Ok.

You know the hard thing about showing yourself friendly and Godly is I’m a female so my efforts look like flirting.

God loves you sir. Smile. ” Oh looky looky, “I told my homeboy she likes me.”

Jesus is good. ” This heifer crazy.”

People can call me crazy but flirting in any sense of the word is trouble.

Anybody have free nun dress let me know. Especially that breathes in the summer.

What’s your plan for your life?

I want richness without the 9-5 job cause that won’t cut it. I worked those hours and it is a blessing to be this far.

Wages not like it adds up, food, clothes, bills won’t allow the rags to riches to not cost you, your health, your mind, and physical for pennies upon pennies for what, labor.

I can trade it no more.

Some say your friends are the view of your future, well God is my only friend dear. And I got no ambitions. With little drive. With zero tolerance for nonsense.

Where I seem is off, bills are paid, I do live on my own, but I’m not adopting dead beat leaches.

I can do bad all by myself.

But in this life of race, I am just trying to figure not how to make it day to day exactly but to know my purpose.

Lord maybe I’m bleeding out this ambition thing, this drive thing, this energy thing, there is a leak.

And maybe the pandemic didn’t cause it.