Why you gotta be so insecure

Reminiscing bout the old times.

Haunted dreams about the present times.

I couldn’t be who he want so.

He drop me like a bad habit out in the cold.

Try saying I’m doing everything wrong huh.

But I’m far too wise for that now.

I let you be a man but you won’t let me be my own person.

So used to having 2 thinking for the behalf of one now.

Again and again all is taking care of him, huh

Can’t help that my considerate image is wash board.

You seeking love of a hood girl, a proud girl, an all in your face where you at right now love.

But I’m sick of fights, I won’t beg you to stay and I won’t nag you to see where your freaking at every day.

Not momma suppose to be your friend, not your daddy suppose to be your girl, I came correct as a woman with fleshy feelings worn on my sleeves in a whole different world.

Tears on my pillow missing you.

But all you see is what I wouldn’t do.

Love took and took and so all I know is not to break from bending from serving you.

I can love and you put my wants to back but I won’t throw shade to me needs for you too.

Why you driving me to be so insecure, all I gave but babe I won’t do that.

All the times I hounded you for love I left a space for you not to hurt me.

Cause deep within I knew your type, all your are is the wolf in the night.

When I need a knight in my terrors all I see is sharp teeth to my horrors.

No one ever reach deep for my hidden places.

No I’m wearing mask over mask over makeup of the scars.

Swimmed in deep waters before my time, now I’m shaking in my boots forever hoping you won’t use my past against me.

Waiting to hear the words it ain’t my fault. Forgetting all I can see is what my heart fears it can’t trust.

My monster is me now.

Sharp teeth over scales to protect her now.

You can love me but don’t get close her now.

Cause I distant you like a black plaque of Harlem see.

Glad you found what makes you happy and warm.

I accept my papers of freedom and hit the open road alone now.

Let me erase eradicate, illuminate, annihilate all the memories of you and yours.

So to set my horizons on one that loves me as a woman.

Cause I gave all I can give but I won’t do that.

If leaving who I am to be something I’m not is the only sure way, then darling I rather be without.

Then wear a mask of smiles as you exploit me til there is no me son.

I want to dance under the sun, in the moonlight if alone on the board walk bare feet among the fireflies then let me be.

Cause the scariest thing is being in a relationship feeling alone then I won’t do that.

Free me of fears of my past, wash me that I may fly, above the haters, above the rampaging image droppers, the jealous stab you in the backers, the nay sayers, the fake friends help me to see my Judas and Peters.

Help me to love in a way that is light and not heavy everytime something comes up.

Be my build her up not my cast me down.

If my insecurity should surface like a corpse in water, be my hedge not my vulture to the wolves.

If you shall ever see my scar in it’s hidden place cover me, don’t run from me.

My shattered pieces are still me, but if your willing we can make whole if you just don’t disappear.

All I ask is don’t use my weakness against me, because she all I got, and I’m protecting for I am the flames and all who oppose are the moth, doesn’t mean I won’t get burn too.

Rotten but Gone

She knew.

You have to let it go.

How could a person be that stupid!

You have to move on, babe.

She let her brothers do that. To me.

You are nolonger a victim of their twisted life, move on.

In broad day light can you imagine being some tool for some rigid boys sick fantasy in the streets?

Can you imagine the dark fantasies that entire family have to deal with to date?

I don’t care!

It wasn’t fair.

You weren’t there.

But I’m here.

Go away.

Don’t push me away.

I don’t want you here. I wish I had tear out his arm a new one.

I care about you.

You don’t know me. I wish their hands were ripped off leaving nasty numbs for them to never touch again.

I know that you were wronged, and that it was not your fault.

I hope they get hurt.

You need to heal.

I hope someone does to them 1000 fold what they did to me.

But then the cycle continues.

I don’t want another person to endure that.

You don’t? Looks like the rest of the world just hopes their enemies recieve triple for their trouble, but pain has a way of looking like cries of violence.

Lord on my knees, take away this pain, and remove the hurt. Wipe away this disgust of the past off me. Wash the fear of acting like everyone is my enemy. Open my eyes to the true nature of how you see them. Lord I want to walk with you. If I trespass against anyone heal them of their inadequacy that I might have caused or aided. Lord I have no power, give me authority to connect with you. Lord renew the right spirit in me that I not be the cause of the rift for your children. My battle is against principalities, rulers of darkness, demons in high places, I give you all my infirmities. I don’t want to hurt no more, I’m tired of hurting others because I know not how to accept rejection or acceptance. purge of me all that is not of you, that I be as you say I am, Aman.

Ain’t real

I had a dream last night.

It was of a former friend and he had a girlfriend.

My they seemed awkward, forced, just trying so hard.

I told myself this couple looks cute but why is she looking at me like that?

So he helped her over this weird bar and made it clear I am to cross independently.

No problem.

Not looking for handouts, nor was I trying to make a rift between the two.

Still she looked at me funny.

I guess there’s still no mirrors in dreams.

I rode with them to my destination and as I came upon it I wanted to just be dropped off at the store.

How about this imprudent ass took me home.

How the hake you know where I live?

I really wanted to go to the store.

Then I hopped a plan, it was private, when the hake I get over flight?

My siblings looked different.

I notice my brother and his girlfriend but boy they look different. Makes me seriously want a mirror.

That couple was so odd.

It felt as if they wanted to put on a show, but like this lifetime he and I were never that close.

It didn’t occur to me that his feelings in that moment could shift to discomfort around the likes of me.

Was I me in this dream?

Often I feel the face we have before a dream is shift and we’re like in a game incapable of seeing our face or changing clothes.

Honestly the girl seemed to show fear and discomfort then love and respect.

In either case if I’m with someone I’m not looking at his past.

Competition is what you make it, besides I made it far too obvious this guy annoyed me.

He kept insisting he could drive me, that he is taken, and that he was happy.

It’s only disgusting that if your happy then why make it so obvious you won’t help me over the high rope, hell we could have went around I’m no spring chicken and my back hurt.

I opened my own door to the back seat. Honestly I would want the back if she weren’t there.

Ruining a perfectly good shopping trip, I like to eat, and this guy made me a little nervous.

Smh why in dreams I don’t argue more.

The van was black for Pete’s sake.

Is when I want a mirror the most do I wake up.

Am I the only one that wants a mirror in the dream?

Harsher words

There was a girl, that as I shopped I thought I knew.

She looked different and the perplex look on her face could not prepare me for the words she uttered next.

These words were spiteful, a bit true but had no place being said due to my condition.

See words uttered from others in their pain are their cross to bare.

I, like many people was insulted. You would be too if you heard what she said.

No one is at fault for your pain, it is childish to throw fits and bite, snarl or bark at others like some rabid dog.

I simply shrugged and walked away, as my former self had no words for bullies, no but if you push I’m throwing the kitchen sink, fridgerator, and oven, so watch out.

Words can heal, mend, break, torture, cut, or save if you mean anything.

I recall a guy name Joe and no matter what I try you couldn’t cheer him up, he would mope that stick in the mud for the sake of being.

I cease.

Such effort is better used making a flying car.

Some people don’t want good-kind-upbeat, words from a friend.

And others how dare you tell them the truth if the subject themselves only to be bitter Betty’s.

As I reflect on I could not agree more that I am a lot kinder to others.

If you think me cruel oh boy hear what I say about my screw ups.

……I used to say.

But now that my leaf is turn over, I think the dear Lord above for my possessions.

It isn’t in this world that I cherish but things I have found I always had.

i just have to stop being a dick to one precious person at a time as I be friends never stop seeing good in myself.

The words of others mean nothing if I feed me power, then everything else follow.

Self have a little faith in me.

Unsuitable

An acquired taste, that’s me.

The water has a shadow.

It is supposedly tasteless.

It is vital, it too is an acquired taste.

I want to laugh.

I’m so tired of worrying how I look.

I remember a time I could turn heads and certainly not effort was made.

Now I’m ever anxious, when did I become this person?

When will a memory of my beauty return, Lord let me not die this ugly.

Let not death visit me uglier than this moment either.

Vanity maybe fleeting but I cursed none my enemies to lose face.

Ah I be cremated anyway. Sigh at least I’m not connecting.

Woe he leaves me for a prettier girl.

Ah, hope she doesn’t require makeup to keep him, least he catches her.

I’m pretty sure everyone feels the weight of limiting connection as I witness many words in new games look elementarly placed.

I yearn to drive on the streets as the sun just kiss the day listening to my tires, ba dum de dum, be da de dum on the street.

As the street has patch of holes, or the former regular irritation pre corrvid irritation of day driving seem long lost from a time I can barely recall.

I don’t know which is sadder, a former friend from 5yrs ago not knowing who you are currently reminiscing about a you, you don’t recall.

A flame with a fling that abruptly ended but your only current passion, so no one to put out the fire.

Or a flaky friend reminding you of a promise they break and won’t mend.

Like why invite me out to eat when you canceled and still canceling as you make the plan.

Yes water has a shadow.

I’m going to run me a hot bath, you people aren’t going to run my nerves rampit, my skin needs some loving.

Maybe watch everybody hates Chris, poor child more activity in 3 minutes to keep me company.

I knew someone to last 3min…jk.

Or am I?

Treacherous fence of love

I know God knows love

Its eternal fight to pick the right side.

Like a child that love his belongings then a serpent more evil then some bad guy name villain or bad guy.

No he was servent to this nice boy, then this evil thing became aroused with jealousy and anger brought other rude, nasty, kids followed him and grabbed these belongings that had soul and pushed them out of the child’s hand.

Thrown these belongings by the way. The loving child wept then tossed out this outlandish evil thing and its friends.

The word love is transcending.

How active or passive is love?

God so love the people of the world He sent His only begotten son.

Brandy wrote two songs, her admire Whitney Houston is without a doubt a reflection of her in it.

“Almost never had”and “have you ever?”

Of course there are many songs of love but the high light of those two.

The lyrics ‘what can I do to make you see,” and everybody knows that almost doesnt count.”

When it comes to these songs, the inexperience heart wouldnt ache. These just sound nice to the naked ear.

But the heart that reminisce of the time of love, seeing someone hurt, is like a kick to the knees, and back.

Unlike I can’t make you love me, how about I recall how we almost were?

The us that I wait for you to enter tje door and eventually you do.

The us that I watch you as you in the other room and you speak to me about your days, what you dream and just whatever.

Maybe then it’s not love. It’s obsession

What is line between admir, obsession, passion, or love?

As I thought how the boy must have felt due to his precious things.

Except His love is greater and without measure. How He yearns to show His wonderful works, it’s life.

Watching someone not see, the concern, or disappear because of the inaduency of how to receive other.

Unevenly yoke, with a questionable match.

The game is set, the tide has turn.

Is the person your with match for you? Do you have a person?

What I see in you, can bring a beautiful future but I see nothing pass my own hands but desolation.

I know you don’t believe me, but I had no intention of making life harder, or to press you, my window to your wellbeing is just limited.

No doubt the love of man and the love of Yoshua is different.

There is nothing unseen for the Father, and His love is that we change to walking, speaking, thinking, and faith of the righteousness of the Father.

My love is selfish, is a bit cunning if I remotely act or give another thought I rebuke daily and almost hesitantly.

Reject

Oh what a bitter pill.

A nasty reality.

A terrible friend

I am not that former girl.

Please forget the past as I have.

Your making this awkward.

I tried nodding as if I recall your nostgic and almost unlikely past of memories but I feel like someone telling me a story of someone else’s life.

Let’s start anew.

Don’t test me.

And I won’t hurt you.

Don’t feed me ultimatums and I will treat you well.

Don’t flip on me as I won’t look down at you.

Remember I’m grown and I don’t owe you anything

I can leave you high and dry and you think I’m cruel but honestly that was kinder, than fighting.

Besides I heard better to have loved then lost then never to have loved at all.

Auto nothing

Unless it’s a car I hate that word.

Not even all vehicles have the same speed diameter.

I was reading a friend’s blog, and his blog is good.

I came across a few words and was like. Google you nosy body prick you tell all my business to the wack jobs in the seats.

Smart phone you dumb phone, recording without my permission. Interface games cheat and you use your fricking finger to point.

The phone even pick and choose what to kick you out of like “I was using that app.”

Computer dumbputer your keys stank, they always stick and mouse deface.

And auto correct you ass you spelled mondane wrong it’s mundane.

I like to write like Dr. Seuss but if auto correct was a soul I shoot it to hockey sticks.

To all you wonderful bloggers that liked my post thank you for looking past the misspelled words, the words that were spelled correctly but definitely did not belong there.

Please accept my apology as I am now looking for my thesaurus. I would speak into the phone but as I said cellphone.

Is like dial up, that long annoying similar to scratch on chalkboard sound with beeps as through trying to send hidden message other electronics to misbehave til they rid of humans.

Superficial

Smh these people get on my nerves.

I recall back in my day people not asking me about eating watermelon but asking why I’m not eating ribs or swine.

Well hake if you want the slab grab it! Don’t mock me, or diagnosed me as Muslim cause I won’t.

I remember back in the day, when you were given an invitation, you were asked because the person wants you there. They want you there enough to give time, date, location and please at the end.

Recently I was asked to come to a “friend’s” graduation. I know this seem crazy.

It’s 2021 a pandemic, and shortage of head space, but for Pete’s sake I was only told to go to Oklahoma and a date.

I’m offended. Like is it only 1 colllege in that entire state?

So I texted another friend and she knew the stadium and the time.

Smh how about it’s late in the afternoon and I assumed it would be in the morning.

I don’t feel like the invitation was sincere but that it was casually tossed like a piece of scrape to a stray.

I am busy. Like who tells people I honestly am too busy with a life to text you a hello so I waited months to text back I’m busy. And btw here is the date and location I understand if you can’t come.

Unfortunately, or coincidentally I have a cousin that lives that for years.

“Um yeah I was wondering if you want to go to the mall, sike, um I forgot.”

“Oh um I am having a party in ATL this Saturday at 7pm and I know this is Thursday but love to see you.”

I don’t mind people having lives, lo and behold I stop you, but I am starting to feel like they are embarrassed of me.

I mean I’m not the type to care for status. I’m not trying to be a pink sister because no one spanks my behind or make me do stupid things to be a sister. *Cough cough gang! *

I’m the type I’m not trying to change you, your path is better suited for you, if you knew where your going.

As I figure out my place in the vast earth, time, and dimension.

I know exactly what’s in my account so I’m not some busy body pretending to have and be something I clearly am not.

Nor do I request handouts as my bills are paid😜 and not by some guy’s wallet.

One guy out the blue told me it’s ok to use a man in that way, and like me behind the wheel of a car on the highway I freeze.

It’s not right. I’m not crazy or smart enough to menauver in a world where women manipulate male genders to pay for livilihood and exchange for flesh or idea of sec but actually a tease. Honestly that’s just dirty. A slippery slope of violence waiting to happen.

My truths are my truths and I live at best I know how, without apology or approval. Putting my shoes on one foot at a time.

But for lunch I got me, if you have you.

Perfume breaks me out. Like I had a fight in bath and body works for the last tube of 18oz coconut pineapple.

I never thought it would come to this as I got older. I used to love cotton candy with a hint of vanilla. Or pomegranate with apple cider cinnamon.

So I smell like nothing as opposed to the other person whose mouth swamp places with their butt. Their pits with their feet but this person get the full 411 while I have to beg around for pieces of info.

So life moves on, as I weigh the opportunity to go or stay.

I am pressed. The idea to drive on the highway alone makes me cringe, but i wouldn’t dare touch a plan even before 9/11.

And there’s the pandemic. I’m not one to ignore we aren’t supposed to gather, plus was the invitation even genuine?

Why feed me little to no information if I was truly summon to arrive with sincerety no matter how busy no one feeds a person they like the least?

Also why is this white nurse keep asking me if I eat watermelon? Like seriously watermelon isn’t even a black thing.

Not even black doctors or nurse has ever asked me to eat watermelon or coerced me to admitting that watermelon is in my diet. I like lied in say if it’s in season. 😆😆😆Like I’m going to look online to see if grapes in season, I’m not.

I’m more of a grapefruit juice kind of gal.

I’m not a huge person why waste something so huge and filled with seeds and what the hake am I’m supposed to do with it?

Watermelon flavored airheads has more flavor in one bite, and less mess, and mass in grocery bags. And far more easier to toss and clean. Watermelon? Me? Please those things are like pumpkins serves no purpose.

During this pandemic I feel the panic and fear of society to be misguided.

We all have to die sometime, and no one is going to know everything.

It’s useless to be out in the store less you need something.

It’s useless to try to put strangers, and friends into certain boxes because either that person is a friend or not.

It’s useless to spend all that money and hope to get more handouts from the government when your not a wise decision maker.

It’s useless to care rather I eat watermelon cause the color of my skin or religion when your not the one buying and eating with me.

I could be buying the darn fruit to play with, smash with a hammer or drop on some unsuspecting persons shoulder.

Buying a watermelon due to race is no more true than a person that buys food is a chef.