Good ol school days

I wouldn’t want to go back.

Too old and tired to go back.

Pero in this new world as I explore this Sunday afternoon. I am reminded of the smell of books, the stress of tests and the feeling of youth missing home.

I remember the feeling of anxiety to see ol school mates, friends, lovers, and enemies.

As we aged together, we stayed hopeful of tomorrow, never noticed the age in our eyes.

The gossip, get ol as we parted to go to the next grade, next class, on to the next season of things and life.

Autumn promised me boy toys, males who would share their precious time with me.

Giving me his every beloved spare second. And I loving every attention of my male compadre; for that class, that hour, that quarter.

Oh how fun being young was.

Being attractive only in his eyes without the motive of sex and bs but to be drawn into deep meaningly blissful conversation.

Topics of being under strict upbringing or another up until the bell rang and rising from the bleachers, desk, gym stage or auditorium seats.

Sighing from the thought of picking up my own backpack, my dear friend offers to carry it and walk me to my class.

How wonderful to be single and in 9th grade. And now at cough cough old I can’t wrap my little old finger around nor clap my hand for a guy to open the door.

Let alone tease with innocent empty promises to save my life.

To sit in class with once innocent guys and girls grew to be nasty hormonal teens, to vulgar violent criminal adults.

Mean cold hearted citizen of the state.

I would often be accuse of running with small clique or being alone. My way of living.

Less chance of being stabbed in the back. Or at least…fewer culprits.

Bonds severed during youth for rumors, moving, or just never meant to be.

Yeah I remember school, constantly having to wear a backpack. A habit I haven’t broken.

Summer time, winter time I still wore what I felt like. Always hot natured was confused as being referred to as fast tailed. Too many clothes just simply made me hot.

Naughty boys were unexcused to be fools, and so were old men.

I only had eyes for either bad boys or soft heart.

Autumn is so nice. Winter is so mean. To be fair you know your friends when its freezing outside than when the air is warm and the sun is high.

I knew bitter end in school. Wont be able to see her face cry, or his smile from those who left this world too young.

Trying to be a hero. Curiosity in the window between fireworks neighborly across the street and her house. Don’t be a fool, your not a human vest! But flesh and bone you dumb human meat bag but no meat no more. Cry no more.

I’ve no use for school. If another moron tells me Pluto is a star, tomato is a fruit one more time I am going to sue the school 3times fold for all my answers I’ve ever got wrong. Sighing I should have received a doctrine in bs.

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Farewell hello

Claire “I was gone too long. Of course he didn’t miss me.

I left the city but I thought he would follow. I just hate this dumb city.”

Seating in a car trembling.

Claire” I’m freezing in this heat!”

No its fear of rejection

Claire ” old girl you still some little girl afraid he got someone, huh?”

He’s an jackass, why should I have to come back here?

Does he not know how much I honestly wanna burn this got damn city? Does he care that as much as I hate this fucking city I love him, I miss that dumb smile and miss those hands.

Claire ” Damn Kevin for making me seek his ass. He better be here.

Not that he knew I was coming.

Claire “I don’t care.”

Tap a the window. Claire jumps.

Claire ” Dear God!”

Exhale looks at the man at her car door she suddenly drops her head.

Claire ” Damnit he snuck up on me.

Kevin attempts to open the door.

Claire ” If you weren’t willing to stalk him in public and wind up getting caught you should’ve stayed home.”

Kevin “Excuse me, can’t hear your ass through this door.”

Scuffs, opens the door.

Claire “don’t take that tone with me. I didn’t just leave my mom’s place to be cussed out.”

Kevin grabs Claire by the waist

Kevin “then what you here for?”

Claire bites her lower lip turn her head, folds her arms.

Claire in a low mumbling growl “you, you ungrateful ass.”

Kevin pulls Claire closer, tighter, wrapper his arms completely around Claire’s back, turn the two around so that his back is suddenly lending for support against the car, then lowers his chin unto Claire’s shoulder.

Kevin “I didn’t hear you.”

Claire “For you!”

Kevin nods his head.

Kevin “so why you sat out here for nearly a damn hour? Would you have cranked the car and drove away if you saw me coming?”

Claire swallows hard and begin bouncing lightly on one leg.

Claire “I hate this city but I drove here to see you.”

Kevin “I know. I know you just want to escape it all.

Claire begins to shove Kevin but Kevin hugs her as like a baby begin to stroke her head and rubs her back.

Kevin ” I know being in this town scares you, baby. Hell I ain’t been in your shoes, but I can imagine it ain’t been easy on you to struggle so hard and see yourself ain’t moving how you like.”

Claire clears her throat.

Kevin ” hell you doing great from where I’m standing and I didn’t think for once you abandoned me cause you didn’t love me, or scared of us. I knew its just past demons and this city that constantly reminds you of a past you fucking want to forget and baby didn’t deserve to be hurt or taken advantage of like you had.”

Claire pushes Kevin

Claire “Then why you still here? Why ain’t you moved yet? Why am I standing here seeing you still at this old address? And when I told you where I was why did your ass hangup on me then ask me for money not once not twice but three fucking times? What’s wrong with you? You worked all your life. You knew I do anything for you but you not there where I am. I’m here where you are, in this stupid ass city I fucking hate?! What the hell you got your ass in Kevin? You owe some damn bookie or something?

Kevin laughs

Claire ” what!”

Kevin pulls out the money, puts it into Claire’s pocket

Kevin” I was testing my future wife.”

Claire look at Kevin. Nods her head and begins to walk back.

Kevin ” not how I picture it going down but here.

Kevin begins to get on one knee.

Claire ” out here on the streets? Kevin you playing stop, no more games.”

Kevin on one knee.

Kevin ” Girl I’m for real! I thought I knew you. But you not scared or timid. You be watching and calculative. Ambitious and honest. You an aight cook.

Claire “whatever. You clean your damn plate.”

Kevin “I’m always hungry. Now interrupting me woman. I’m not getting younger on these knees. Will you take me as your man?

Claire ” Really? Me? You want me?”

Claire begins to cry.

Kevin “I was waiting till my money get right to get you something you want. Your right I’ve been working all my life. You don’t take my shit, you never really ask for anything but my time. Recently you even ask to have my son and that’s wild to me. You make in better words my world something I ain’t never knew it could be. I rather wake up next to your crazy beautiful face every morning then by anyone else I couldn’t imagine being without you. Damn in my head the speech was better.

Claire ” it was damn perfect even (voice cracking) when you did call it a speech just now.”

Claire wipes her eyes. Still bouncing her left leg.

Claire ” ……….you want me?”

Kevin ” If you’ll have me.”

Claire “Hell yeah. I’ll take you.”

Kevin takes Claire hands

Kevin” Then you gotta call all your little boy toys and tell em you taken.

Kevin pulls Claire in. Puts both his hands in her pants backpockets.

Kevin “All this is taken, owned, and stamped by Kevin Chemale Winters. ”

Claire ” That goes for all your hochies momma. Them short wearing in the cold dumb Barbie, too much makeup wearing ain’t in my league little girls. ”

Kevin ” they don’t be wearing that much makeup.”

Claire ” whatever…..You really want me?”

Kevin ” longs you keep those curves. ”

Claire embraced Kevin with kiss and Kevin held Claire.

Kevin “I miss those got damn lips, and I ain’t just talking bout the ones on your face.

Claire ” well I miss all of you. Every. Last. Bit.”

Kevin picks up Claire as her legs wraps against his.

Kevin ” Damn I miss your ass woman!”

The inevitable failure

I do not fail from lack of trying.

It is exactly the opposite.

Oh I am giving it my complete and absolute try all and from anyone else’s point of view I can see how you may think I am just lazy and do everything at the last minute.

But there is a conspiracy in all I do. There is.

See I even have forces working within myself to cease me from accomplishing my goals.

I write it down several times over.

I look over my odious handwriting to make sure I can read it later.
And bam my phone is lost, stolen, or ran away in better words of speaking.

My notes are scrambled, disarray, and just plain gone off the face of the planet.

No matter how many times I tidy my neat upside down world I am hit with a roadblock with a damn speedbump a block away from a stop sign behind the bush of a blindsided street light.

You don’t get how I could lose a homework assignment, my paper bill, my cell phone that was in the pocket of jacket with a button lid, my passwords that I just changed and used 3min ago? I don’t get how a brain in this body instructs the left foot in front of the other.

God must be a comedian because my entire existence is a freaking joke. I am the very embodiment of what could go wrong,……would. and through no matter how caution I believe I am. triple checking lock doors, panting my pockets that suddenly grew a vast hole.

You wanna know if technology likes humans hand it to me I only need a second.

You wanna know how truly high tech your devices are and how compatible it is to human usage I am your girl!

You wanna know if the clothes are wear perfect, here I am.

You need to know if sudden mishaps are really covered by whatever is made in earth; trust me, I have you ask “What the hell?” in matter of 2 days.

I ran through 8 computers in one school quarter. I got a Macintosh computer to enlarge its own making codes the size of the screen and it wouldn’t budge till totally unplug. My bosses’s boss own printer called the repair man.

Walking under a ladder only makes my days go smoother. Breaking mirrors please, they don’t waste their time cause it don’t affect me so someone else’s your culprit on that one.

It took me 4 days to pay the light bill and it was not because I did not have the money nor my lack of enthusiasm to pay. I have the same amount of enthusiasm each time I pay any bill so that couldn’t remotely add into the equation. Nor how much I have in the bank no matter longs I can pay the damn bill.

Through the thoughts echo in my head these are as a sign to “not pay “only death would make me ever so stupid to refuse paying a bill.

Unowned

Claire “I don’t like it one bit. ”

Gina ” So why you in Tennessee? Why couldn’t you move to someplace in Alabama?

Adrell “You going to file taxes and get you a car?”

Claire ” Your not attending school in someplace Alabama. Your attending school in Oklahoma. I got bills and what I do with my tax refund has nothing to do with owning a car. Who may I remind is receiving that much for a car? Why would I turn around and become a victim of last year hunt for dummies who want to buy a car with tax return anyway? I learned my lesson and black people are so damn quick to lose money you sat down to earn, on sucker me this gimmicks. I am in no rush for a car. Nor may I remind you ask your ass for a ride or to borrow yours. So why in the world is your mind so damn set on me burying my ass in deep debt?”

Gina ” I just want to hear from you more. I gotta make time to call you more. I just want to call you to see how you are and see how baby girl is doing.”

Charity church Symone of Tennessee ” we assist families in need and through you qualify you must have a Tennessee licence. Can you email me your phone number and we can talk about how you may get on our waiting list.”

Claire ” You’re a full time student in another city and state getting your degree. I understand you got no time for your single mom friend. So please save me the pity party speech. Out of sight out of mind. I can’t tell you how many times I had to think twice about your name. Its Gucci. Hell half the time I have to convince myself to call my own mother. We make time for who we want to. That’s life. I am holding no grudge sister that I haven’t heard from you, or can’t see you. We love one another but we don’t owe each other a thing. Ain’t no way in hell I’m going to transfer over to Tennessee licence. I just can’t. Tennessee don’t own this chick none. I’m not slave to your diplomatic system. If I was in Alabama I wouldn’t have to longs my licence isn’t within expiration period. Nor in Atlanta would I have to. Tennessee isn’t all its cracked up to be. For one your heating systems suck. Your clothes and merchandise holds no candle to Atlanta or Alabama. If I took a pic of the place I’m paying $800 for a month those in Atlanta and Alabama would be appall. The streets are filthy and I can’t tell urban from rural. Its a place that is overpriced for merchandise that was very cheaply made. Quick fixes for things, homes, buildings, businesses, food and clothing that need be thoroughly investigated. Despite that I had known from the beginning Tennessee was no home nor place to settle. On to the next when my economic statues is stable. No state, city, country, county or person owns this chick.

The speaker of Pain

I honestly think you should read this. Read and comprehend.

Read and feel, read and reminisce so that your compassion can be reborn and room to receive.

When they say I won’t complain.

Think for a moment what that really means.

It is to the outsider to not get involve. However desiring to be heard.

It is to say I have no ear to hear or shoulder to cry on so I bottle in my pain, guilt, failure, self doubt, and fault within myself. You shall never understand, So keep living this life of glamour because from where I am standing you never been hurt like I been hurt.

It is to say you are too young, inexperienced, dimwitted, and or blind to follow my trials tales. Nice try through but to not ruin your lovely day.

You wouldn’t believe me! If I told you. For my woes tale are on the outside of your pretty picture of a fence you live in.

It would do me no good, no one wants to hear it anyway.

You don’t give a damn. Because efforts to care would not be something your capable of.

Oh but how we shelter pain, and harvest hurt of the past, the what ifs, and the what should never have happen, like a woman trying to push back period flow and think of it no more. How foul! How disgusting the scars of rape torment is as an aching child for at the time knew not exactly what was taken.

Power to pain! Power to illusion! Power to ignorance! Power to lies.

I didn’t know said in a whisper. I wouldn’t know said speech. I couldn’t know yelled in a scream.

It would do me no good to complain.

But oh how the heart wanted to be free of the terrors of night. Longing for love that existed only in movies for told with such magic to move mountains. Books that kept the heart’s mind baffled.

How the heart long for the companionship of understanding not for self pity but merely to not be shut up and out.

Pain is a part of life. We all been hurt. We all been raped. We all had things taken from us so why do we find comfort in drinking to not feel? Going to places like bars for fights for kicks. Having sex with empty promises to the one of never knowing love. Attending parties where people with people who would love nothing better than to see you fail, or better yet wallow in self pity and not mature.

There has got to be a better way!

There has got to be a healing in a place of serenity for hope!

Hope isn’t in pills to cover the wounds it can’t be. Nor in the slicing of the wrist to bleed out the poison of not being good enough. Nor in the bottom of the 99bottles of beer on the wall through who would have thunk it! Nor in the amount of followers on Facebook, twitter, or messenger. Nor in the lack of money one makes. Nor in loving the person that seem to never have eyes for one.

For Jesus said I am the way the truth and the light. No man cometh to the Father but by me. Honestly I know no other answer than this.

If I took your ear to complain it was just to get off my chest dear friend to cease the rage upon a moment that rattled me to stir hate of my fellow men. I confined in you so that with you, we may burn hate together and hurt a little less as one.

So have mercy on me for wondering if I shared a little of myself will you cast me out in its many forms, or will you welcome me in, cause I need a hug. Not a stab in the back but I got your back and help me off these damn bloody knees. May I have some tea?

Lover,friends, bodily functions

Spitting coughing, chocking on a sucker Claire reads her boyfriend Facebook post aloud

“I would respect a warning before letting go a toxic bomb than a person who set off a silent but deadly fart and say nothing.” You didn’t write this did you?”

Kevin responds “Hell yeah!”

Claire laughs uncontrollably “Really, out of all the things to post. I guess I understand. Men assume women should not fart, however I just do so before leaving the house or my own bathroom.”

Kevin “Aaron is my boy and all but he is getting annoying like dawg we know its you, own that shit!”

Claire laughs harder begins to cough than suddenly “toot” “oh my goodness sorry babe, too much air just now!” They laugh.

Kevin “you cool babe, is why I like you. Honest. Coughs and then bust out laughing.

Snickering Claire ” what is it?”

Kevin “Babe.”

Claire ” What?”

Kevin smiles ” I gotta dodo.”

Claire in a serious tone ” Go to the hall bathroom my bedroom bathroom can’t handle your shit.”

Kevin laughs and throws the pillow at Claire.

Kevin “babe?”

Claire “Go shit Kevin!”

Kevin rise from the couch to enter the hallway.

Kevin “I love you can I shit on you?”

Claire “Can I PMS on you later?”

Kevin quickly “nevermind.”

Claire “you so nasty,. I love you too, STINKY!.”

Kevin runs from the hallway pants at his knees Claire eyes widen but just as she gets up. Kevin lands his lips on hers. Slowly rising to her feet Kevin lands his hands behind her back and waist. What felt like 5min he let’s go of Claire, and begins to walk away.

Kevin”Oh babe, when was your last period?”

My my, mine

I be looking in the mirror and wondering how is it I go through the day and forget my own face?

Wonder what all the world see. Thinking I’m ugly but I don’t care cause your face is all fair.

I put on the mask, I put on the wig, I put on the clothes and either I’m killing it or should’ve stayed home.

I bury all of the hatches, I forget the words of the haters, but their actions still burning in the back of my mind or is it visa for some, guessing it depends on person and if I care.

I’m standing tall rather with the wig or in my fro. Some say I look different but I just feel pretty.

I do believe in speaking my mind no matter the nature my mind got a voice. I just feel Barbie looking people lose less face when speaking mean truths while average Jane looks like a pig for standing for what she believe in.

These are society’s rules, laws, guidelines and not my own. I just walk my own path and live best I know how.

I say beauty in the eye of the beholder. You like what you like, so please don’t try to set me up. With Joe brown, Nebro or your cousin leo or neyo.

Chris cause you think it’s funny. Micheal I never like em. He has to be my Kevin no substitution.

I’m picky but easy going. I stay in my lane less I need to merge but never over stepping.

I love whom I love. I do what I must. My code of ethics is class.