Late night, right after the party. Claire with tear stain face awoke from a nasty dream. She reaches over and finds an empty bed.
Again he will never come. He hates me, must be pathetic. Guys flock to me. Ok maybe a guy a two a week, not seriously someone worth gloating, and that’s after I leave the house after a month period. But it feels strange.
Not like his admires aren’t air brushed and weighted with make up.
I don’t even get giddy when a guy flirts, not a feeling like cheating but like I have zero interest. I just always see Kevin’s face. Is this what it means to have eyes only for one? Is this first love?
Kevin laying beside her “Were you waiting for me?” Claire looks at him ” of course. ” Kevin chuckles his beautiful laugh” Let me borrow a $100. I’ll pay you back.”
This man, Claire wonders as she turns to her side. It’s been weeks and haven’t heard from him. I don’t want to be alone. Yet I don’t want him to be either.
When did you begin to hate me Kevin? Surely it must have been the moment we met.
The day I first loathe that I loved you. Such intense roaring emotions between us.
The feeling of heavy longing but fear to be seperate was in fact my fault. Was I weak to you? Was it because I wanted my money back. I knew you wouldn’t pay it back.
Was it because I tried to believe in you, through we both suspect you lied? Do you think so high of yourself?
Kevin holds Claire “Something came up.” Claire touches Kevin’s hand afraid to push him away. ” Something always do. You had no intention of paying me back.”
Kevin holds Claire tighter. She can smell he’s been drinking again.
This smell of alcohol is light, unstirred to his usual musk.
Smoking that old man’s cigar, but other than that he smelled of him. Claire turns around to see a tired face Kevin. The I’m done weighted expression in his eyes.
She wraps her arms under his. Allowing herself to take in his unspoken words.
“Damn you Kevin. I didn’t get a call or text you were coming. You always taking in the world alone. That fake grin and upright pose like you have not a care in the world. You never tell me what’s going on. You seem to always keep me at bay.”
Kevin says nothing. Claire startled to a pillow wrapped in her arms wet from deep sleep drool and sweat. Under the pillow was her phone held tightly in her hand and when she power it up, on it was Kevin’s Facebook page.
He’s making another video, so many likes. Even guys throwing hearts.
If I called him seeing the green dot I can tell him to go to bed, he would ignore me. Just as he ignored all my birthday wishes. Tears streamed down her face.
He hates me, he hated me for being fickled. Yet he’s a liar, never from the beginning has he told me the truth. Or ever honest.
I only accepted the bull shit games because I thought eventually he just open up to me. I just don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to crumble under this fickled stupid dying world knowing he’s someplace else with someone else.
Looking up at the ceiling sunlight is peering through the blinds of the bedroom. Will I always be reaching for him who will never love me?
Kevin, how long have you hated me? After a few minutes has passed Kevin looks over at Claire and answers “Claire I could never hate a person I have no interest in.”